Today we start with history. We have to read a diary written by someone who was a boy in ancient Egypt. In this diary he describes his house, daily routine and what his dad does for a living. It is quickly clear that the answers to these questions are: shithole, trying not to die and carpenter for no pay and the constant threat of death - in that order. That is not how it was described in my child’s book, I am paraphrasing a little. What I note is that despite the house being made out of sun-baked mud brick and having no roof in a heat so oppressive it could even melt Katie Hopkins’ heart and that his dad will be crippled and broke by the age of thirty… there is very little moaning. I compare that myself, to my own version of a diary, to this one where I have moaned constantly about boredom, children and eating marmite and suddenly there is a part of me that thinks maybe this is not so bad after all. That actually I should be feeling lucky. Yes it’s a strange time but all I am having to do is spend more time with my family, with my wife, my children. At least we have each other.
Then the internet goes down and the children suddenly look up from their iPads and start saying the daddy, daddy, daddy word again and I think – shit me… stick me in a mud hut with Katie Hopkins and a distinct lack of drinking water. And do it now!
After the diary the eldest child is tasked with a writing piece and the other is somewhere in the garden, eating whatever she finds – it’s not that there’s a lack of food, she’s just becoming a little more feral every day. I take the opportunity to have a few minutes on social media. It is much the same as the last time I looked. Tracey from Facebook is angry at people for going out as she can see them out of her window. She goes on to tell us all that it is NOT OKAY and that we are LITERALLY KILLING PEOPLE and if we just do as the Government advises then we can all stay healthy. She is so angry she has not only used BLOCK CAPITALS for her ideas but also explains that she has smoked the last of her cigarettes.
Someone else has chosen this Facebook to ‘thank’ whoever was driving a white Ford like an idiot just now and who nearly hit me and I have a son (no mention if he was in the car or not) and continues a rant about how a good driver like them drives. And I can’t help but think that social media is now the place for the angry. Time was, when you were angry with someone outside your house in the street, or if you had a car cut you up, you used to have a good old lean out the window and a good out swear up. It would make you feel better. They might shout back. Now they feel better. Maybe there was a punch up. Two people feeling better together. But there was community, there was a sense of belonging to something. Now what do we have? A timeline and a red emoji with its mouth covered. That’ll teach ‘em.
Bring back punch-ups is what I’m saying. I think it’s healthier in the long run.
A quick flick to Twitter and it is immediately clear that this is a platform for frustration also. Persons, institutes or whole cultures blamed here include Jeremy Clarkson, the police, China and of course ‘everyone who is not the person who sent the tweet.’
On Instagram there is a picture of a cat who has an expression on his face like a big grin at all times. Instagram wins.
Art. I take this lesson as I read the instructions and it looks like something I might actually be able to do. Basically, you are to draw round your hand in various shapes to make it look like an animal. This is my ‘thumbs up’ snail:
I know. Genius isn’t it. This is genuinely the most productive thing I have done in two weeks. I’ve simply called him Daytime as he moves so slow I want to smash his shitty little face in. Nice colouring though. I did that. I don’t know where the kids’ drawings are. They were crap anyway.
I had contact today from a radio station – Academy FM Folkestone. They’re a local station (to me at least!) and they have asked if I would like to have a little chat on the phone with them tomorrow. It should be about a brand new book I have coming out on the 10th April but they specially said that they would also like to talk about this blog. So I said I would. I also said that some of it wasn’t true – just in case Social Services have put them up to it…
It will be here at 10:15am (uk time) tomorrow (Wednesday 1st April): https://www.academyfmfolkestone.com. You can listen live on anything that connects to the internet. Unless it is as reliable as mine and has gone down. Honestly, we might as well live in Ancient Egypt.